Post by Admin on Nov 3, 2015 16:33:02 GMT 8
The Possessive Husband
A possessive and curious husband is always want to know his wife whereabouts. So he decides to call his wife to find out where his wife is.
Husband: Where are you?
Wife: At home, love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Could you turn on the blender?
Wife: *blender on*
Husband: Okay. Goodbye, love.
The next day, the husband decides to call his wife to find out her whereabouts.
Husband: Where are you, love?
Wife: At home, love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Could you turn on the blender?
Wife: *turns blender on*
Husband: Okay. Goodbye, love.
The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice and finds his son alone. So he asked him son whereabouts his mother.
The son replies, I dont know, she went out with the blender.
Come Run With us
A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint.
He runs up the Giraffe and says, “Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!”
The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke.
The Rabbit says, “Oh, Elephant you really shouldn’t do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you.”
The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin.
The Rabbit runs up to him and says, “Hey, Bear, you shouldn’t do that, think of your health. You’d be better of running in the woods with us.”
The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer.
The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, “Hey Tiger, you really shouldn’t d that.” and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living shit out of the Rabbit.
The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, “What the hell are you doing, man?”
The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, “Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he’s on ECSTACY.
I know everyone, just name them
Pedro was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Pedro how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Pedro and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Pedro! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Pedro’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Pedro that he thinks Pedro’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Pedro says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Pedro says, “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Pedro on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Pedro, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Pedro, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Pedro.
“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome. Pedro and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Pedro says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what – I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Pedro emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Pedro returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Pedro asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Pedro?”
Who is more smarter
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.Shortly afterwards one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
A possessive and curious husband is always want to know his wife whereabouts. So he decides to call his wife to find out where his wife is.
Husband: Where are you?
Wife: At home, love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Could you turn on the blender?
Wife: *blender on*
Husband: Okay. Goodbye, love.
The next day, the husband decides to call his wife to find out her whereabouts.
Husband: Where are you, love?
Wife: At home, love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Could you turn on the blender?
Wife: *turns blender on*
Husband: Okay. Goodbye, love.
The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice and finds his son alone. So he asked him son whereabouts his mother.
The son replies, I dont know, she went out with the blender.
Come Run With us
A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint.
He runs up the Giraffe and says, “Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!”
The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke.
The Rabbit says, “Oh, Elephant you really shouldn’t do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you.”
The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin.
The Rabbit runs up to him and says, “Hey, Bear, you shouldn’t do that, think of your health. You’d be better of running in the woods with us.”
The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer.
The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, “Hey Tiger, you really shouldn’t d that.” and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living shit out of the Rabbit.
The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, “What the hell are you doing, man?”
The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, “Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he’s on ECSTACY.
I know everyone, just name them
Pedro was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Pedro how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Pedro and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Pedro! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Pedro’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Pedro that he thinks Pedro’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Pedro says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Pedro says, “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Pedro on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Pedro, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Pedro, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Pedro.
“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome. Pedro and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Pedro says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what – I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Pedro emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Pedro returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Pedro asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Pedro?”
Who is more smarter
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.Shortly afterwards one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”